I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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