Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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