Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
