It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
