Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
