my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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