I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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