with your own penis?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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