Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
