Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
