mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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