Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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