Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
