we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
my liver is dry heaving
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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