I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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