Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We need to rekindle our bromance
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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