Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
