My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
