Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
