Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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