I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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