that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
