Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
