Yo dont text me then not text me
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
