Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
