It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Randomize
