the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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