genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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