The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i've created a new STD.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
