No stitches, just platelets and will power
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
