I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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