my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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