you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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