The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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