I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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