you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
