I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found a bag of teeth...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
