I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
