I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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