think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
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OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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