Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
