____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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