Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
