But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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