If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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