Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
