I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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