You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
