I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
