Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
