my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We need a shit load of segways right now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
