god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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