Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
