filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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