who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
