I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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