I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
