You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
