I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
