I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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