Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pants are for mortals
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
