kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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