im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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